liber sandwich.

1:59pm: my life is so different now. I have no time for anything.
I love my girlfriend and our upstairs neighbors are awesome.

11:26am: first day of school. argh.

10:37am: we got a new kitty-maya, she's adorable, and our friend Liam needs someone to take in his cat, so we'll be very likely be taking in Elliott, his cat.
in other news, I have a ton of papers to write and I'm going to start toilet training the cat, because she's terribly messy with the litter box.

10:12am: Kehai died of a lung puncture. We had to take her to an emergency vet forty-five minutes away, because none of the other vet's closer would take an emergency from Waupaca Small Animals. Katie and I have been beside ourselves. She bottle fed Kehai when she was two weeks old.
This is just incredible. Our cat died from some stupid medical error. It's become my duty to become the Revenging Angel of the Telephone/Letter Writing, as we'd like a written apology and our money back, and if the vet is a decent person, the money from the emergency room.
Argh. It's terrible. She spent the last hours of her life fighting for air...when the emergency vet tried to get an x-ray of her lungs, she started to struggle, which is when she passed. That was Kehai. Fighting 'til the end.
Apparently in 21 years of practice he's never seen a lung puncture as a result of a declaw/spay. Gross incompetence is alive and well.

9:42am: Oh good god.
Yesterday we spent five hours at least running back and forth from the vet.

So, Katie and I got Kehai fixed and declawed, right? Well, we had her home from the vet for half an hour. She looked so pathetic! She had little booties on her front feet and crawled up to her food dish and ate like she had been starved. The vet told us to keep a close eye her, so we were both sitting with her in the bathroom, with the door shut, making sure she wasn't doing anything that could aggravate any suture/superglued anything--seriously, these days, or at least at Waupaca Small Animal Hospital, they SUPERGLUE wounds shut. They do that in emergency rooms too, but, it just struck me as strange.
So the phone rang, and I got up to get it. So, Kehai, despite the bootied front feet TEARS OFF under the bed, and I spend the next half an hour trying to fish her out. I managed to find her, but because the bed is shoved against the wall, it was impossible to get her out.

So, half an hour later, she comes out on her own, with a bootie off(how she managed, I have no idea) and with her paw all wet and bleeding a little. :( So we took her back, got her foot re-superglued, went the library, ran into Robin and Val--our exs are dating, which is kind of awesome.
So we go home, and talk to my mom for all of ten minutes after we've got Kehai up the stairs and restricted to her carrier to prevent the same problem from happening again. So we're laughing about being so worried, blah blah blah, and we come back into our bedroom, and Katie sees that the one side of the door is bloody, and is worried. Then I turned on a light, and it turned out that the whole carrier was splattered with blood-this is going to sound like such terrible exageration, but there was blood on the top of it, blood smeared all over the window grates, a pool of blood on the bottom. At this point we're both completely panicked, and rush Kehai back to the vet--Katie's crying on the way there and she called her mom, who came to the vet's since we were having a hard time with them--there's an older nurse there who is awesome, but the first and second time around today, there was this woman that was a little bit older than us who can only be described as a snobby idiot wench from hell-seriously, she didn't want to do anything for Kehai because she was the only one there and didn't want all the trouble of doing up a bandage and was acting like we troubling her unreasonably--after all, she doesn't work in a vet's office or anything-luckily the third time the older woman was there, but anyway.
So I'm holding the carrier, trying to figure out where all the blood is coming from without opening the kennel and having to fish Kehai out of something again, and I thought it was coming from her paw, but there was so much, and given that Kehai is a tiny 4.5 pound cat we were afraid that she had gotten her tummy stitches open...Finally we got there with Katie in tears, and we got Kehai into the exam room after the nurse looked at the kennel with this total "Holy hell" expression, and thankfully, it was just the paw. They re-glued it, put a bootie on it again, sedated the cat, and we had her stay another night and most of today--we're picking her up again at 3:00. It's all for the best really, if something like that happened again we'd both need sedation and I'd end up under the desk growling like a Wookie. (Kehai's speciality is growling like a wookie and/or a very large dog.)

9:25am: I should be doing my polisci paper.
News: I actually have an approx. 3.4gpa this semester. Going to class helps.
I'm donating plasma--although I'm getting financially reimbursed for itso it's not quite a donation, is it? Anyway, I've managed to round up all the id requirements so far, if I can get the school to print out something with my social security.
Coming to school Katie and I saw a farmer's field that had been pyro'd, and I got the most tired sounding 911 operator on the phone. It was a little silly, although it sucks for the farmer.\

Oh. Yesterday an amethyst fell out of my ring. Since we picked up our engagement rings last friday, they put one in...I started crying when I saw it. I'm a little high-strung, I guess, but with us STILL being at my parents and unable to get steady work, le sigh.

Kehai's at the vet, she's finally getting spayed, and we've decided on getting her declawed which was a rather hard decision. We went for it as it would mean we'd stop having to round her up and have her stop hissing at us madly, and she'll stop getting her little pillow paws stuck in the carpet. :( Oh, wow. She's only 4.5 pounds still. She's so tiny..
It's my father's birthday today. I got him a card.
And I've successfully avoided dying/contracting the illnesses of 80 year old's as of late, so go me. I've been fairly healthy despite my damned allergies. :/
Hm...we finally found the battery charger for the camera. Yay, but here's something semi-recent.

Quickpost this image to Myspace, Digg, Facebook, and others!

2:32pm: School is eating my time and my parents are evil.
I can't find a job because the economy sucks.
My parents want to eat me because I don't have a job.
Katie can't find a job because the economy sucks.
Her/My parents want to eat her because she doesn't have a job.
My mom lies in bed all day on her side with the t.v. on, and i'm supposed to be able to tell if she is asleep or awake.
GOOD NEWS: I don't have rheum-a-tarded arthritis.

10:16am: even the libertarian candidate is evil.
right now katie and I are at her mom's house, watching her niece. She's adorable, despite her tendency to want to hold me prisoner. (Literally.) I was hauled around by a six year old.
Anyway.
screw you, bob barr. i didn't really want your glasses, anyway.

3:18pm: Out of the hospital. I'm on two forms of morphine. My girlfriend is sitting next to me laughing at my attempts at typing. Anyway, since I've been out I've had to have my blood tested every other day. I love katie so much. she takes good care of me.:)

11:45pm: okay, since apparently I only update when I move/almost die/etc.
In the hospital with a pulmonary embolism caused by birth control. on vicodin and going insane from boredom and having my urine recorded. seriously. I feel like number six from the prisoner, except on an iv and really short of breath.
"I ...am not....a number..I...I...am a free...man!"

12:33pm: i have an excuse for not updating: moved out, don't have the internet. living with katie and val. it is freaking awesome. more later.
check facebook for awesomeness.
http://www.new.facebook.com/album.php?aid=49185&l=51360&id=554572512
and my profile and suchness:
http://www.new.facebook.com/profile.php?id=554572512

2:49pm: Townes Van Zandt quote.
“No, I don’t think, as a matter of fact, that I’m going to benefit from anything on this earth. It’s more like that. I mean, if you have love on the earth, that seems to be number one. There’s food, water, air, and love, right? And love is just basically heartbreak.
Humans can’t live in the present like animals do; they just live in the present. But humans are always thinking about the future or the past. So, it’s a veil of tears, man. And I don’t know anything that’s going to benefit me except more love. I just need an overwhelming amount of love.
And a nap. Mostly a nap.”

12:27pm: i pretty much fail at having a personality.

( enneagram )
so um...goin' back to school in the fall, probably. pray for me.

1:35am: Fishing with John
Tom Waits:[holding a red snapper]
"should I put him in my pants? That's what i've usually done in the past when I've been depressed...it's always been...there was a time when i was very depressed...it used to help...it helllllllllllllllllllllpppppppped me."

1:18pm: I'm just a piece of meat that thinks too much.
I Stand Alone(director: Gaspar Noe)
Sweet Jesus, this movie.
Amazing cinema. The colour palette, long shots of actors walking amongst decaying buildings shown either from a distance or from the back, Weill-ian(is that a term? Like Kurt Weill) breakage of the third wall-interruption of the film with placards reading such happiness"You've got 30 seconds to leave the screening of this film", "Living is a selfish act",etc.
Also bits are reminiscent of Alain Resnais,as well as the more obvious Goddard referencing... Though I think "I Stand Alone" owes more spiritually to Resnais' work, what with the centering on self-defeating habits of the human animal, with on the venality of humanity rather than the uh..."better angels of our nature" which is a phrase I'm lifting from one of the Founding Fathers, I believe. Sorry, founding father.
The story! Holy lord. The lead character is,well , SHOULD BE completely unlikable but you end up identifying with him and liking him through-out the story a la Taxi Driver, Nabokov's Lolita, Mishima's Temple at the Golden Pavilion, etc.
Plus thematically it covers isolation,self-disgust and disgust with humanity, which is catnip for me intellectually, currently.
Amazing thing about I Stand Alone,number 2398472493874: 90% of the speech in this film is a monologue taking place in our hero's head...and it's pulled off wonderfully.
New favorite, obviously...
( stills )
Other Topics: Well-Meaning Advice that leaves one briefly homicidal! Things that have come out of one's mouth that still horrify one existentially a day later!

2:58am: random, random pic-spam.
Well. February is certainly the feisty, snow-flinging little devil, isn't it?

Also: Hillary Clinton reminds me of a more attractive version Lotte Lenya in From Russia With Love(who was a total fox, but no one could look decent with those coke bottle glasses and the crazy hair she's rockin' in FRWL.) ....Anyway,point being: I am plagued with guilt.

I really don't have much to say, so uh, here's me?

( big ol' hunk of random picspam loving including orson welles in drag, and some of r.crumb's work, which, has a little bit o' nudity in it. )

9:44pm: i'm just a symptom of the moral decay that's gnawing at the heart of this country....(the the)
good books:
Sputnik Sweetheart, Haruki Murakami.
Beautiful Losers, Leonard Cohen. Gorgeous, nearly sacred and intensely flawed, but all the more exquisite for it.

RIP, Benazir Bhutto.

Good riddance, '07. Freaked out about turning 20(ack, how did I metamorphose into such an ass at such a young age?Precocious Assery, the best major ever.) in a couple months, so I gave up everything obviously non-productive(under the guise of a n.y's resolution) 'cause cutting one's losses is good? The whole dating thing and other trappings of um...life seem not to be an area that's a particular source of joy so...fuck it. I seem to have this habit of becoming ridiculously enamored with women that are totally uninterested in me, and then i'm weirdly shy/cold with guys so uhhhhhhhhhh.
yeah. No love life for me, officially.(I imagine this in the Soup Nazi's voice for why...?)
Hell yes, I listen Morrissey.
I've started 2008 as a lady monk and intend on remaining one, although I totally reserve the right to change what qualifies as a "lady monk". 'Tis awkward, sure, but I make sense 40% more of the time, which is some kind of progress.
I have also convinced myself I like salads and exercising. Let's see how long this lasts.

So if anyone reading this has ever come to the conclusion that they seem to be all together too sane, I recommend reading the Qabalah/Kabbalah, and starting with Lon Milo Duquette's Chicken Qabalah. It's a unpretentious look at uh...everything behind the universe? It's sort of like this intensive, soul-shattering, non-sectarian filing system. Even if you're not into that whole deity scene..
Anyway: according to said book, there is no objective universe perceivable by humans, which is completely shattering, in a way. Imagine, People in love are only in love with the projected image of the other, and not only that, neither person knows who they actually are, just what they conceive themselves as. And, of course, if we have no idea who we are, how do we know what is good/appropriate actions for others in a dogmatic sense? Which is actually a generalsemantics thing that I've heard mentioned by R.A. Wilson, who was referencing Korzybski...
head=spinning.
All of this is more psychological/metaphysical/psychobabble, I guess, than religious. Actually studying the metaphoric meanings rather than religious rather than looking at them literally as I was taught in school unleashes a whole level of depth and really actually makes the whole God issue irrelevant in a way, although I'm not quite capable of explaining it.
Oh man, I totally add a warning that I am completely unqualified to have an opinion on the subject, unless you're such a post-modernist that a 19 year old small town drop-out actually is capable of having valid opinions.

Sidenote: I've admired Allen Ginsberg's work for the past seven or so years, and have just found out that a lot of his philosophy comes from .Yeah, laugh at me all you want, but I'm poking around in the Qabalah,which has some concepts I've read in Ginsberg and imagined the profundities to have sprung, Athena-like, from the poet's mind...I know, I know. Ginsberg being influenced by Jewish theology/philosophy, unforeseeable.

10:02pm: "Yeah," Price sighs. "If all of your friends are morons is it a felony, a misdemeanor or an act of God if you blow their fucking heads off with a thirty-eight magnum?"
American Psycho, Bret Easton Ellis.

If you haven't read American Psycho, please do so. For the love of pants.

Worst hangover I've had in ages yesterday. To paraphrase Bruce Robinson, "I felt like a pig shat in my head".Must remember not to mix whiskey with everything I can find.

There's tarot spread I'm trying learn that's called the Opening of the Key, which is, apparently, "the center of the Golden Dawn's system of magic".
"Tarot and the Magus", designed around the Thoth deck and the Opening of the Key spread is exceedingly well written and helpful. Hughes-Barlow is quite skillful in explaining the meaning and interplay of cards, but goes beyond and clarifies Crowley's Book of Thoth, and covers every nearly conceivable question you want answered. Just as many are raised(many are answered), leading your copy to become lousy with annotations. Which isn't necessarily negative in itself... It's not the only book on tarot you'll ever need--does that book even exist?, but it'll make you feel less idiotic post-Thoth, and lead you on the track of more interesting information.

New fact of the day: Set, Egyptian mythology, Set, murderer of his brother, was originally a positive god who's status became nefarious during a political split, and the reign of the Persian Cambuses II. He was originally warrior god of the desert, and immensely powerful, father of Horus(who was also the son of Isis). Later he become more associated with storms and chaos.

Also: I *supposedly* won the "Splash International Lotto", which came in an envelope from a Staples(I kid you not.) in french Canada. Really crafty, scammers. Really.
( chart of hebrew alphabet/numerical value )

8:20pm: Religion, Food, Politics, but no sex.
Good job on updating this thing, me.

Finished NaNoWriMo, and now I have some 180 double-spaced pages of madness on my hands. Pretension for Fun and Profit will just have to soak in it's own juices for a month or so, and then perhaps it could be turned into something...less crap.

Otherwise, I've been spreading my own piss-and-vinegary brand of holiday joy.Awoke with a terrific craving to read Anne Sexton, certainly a bad sign. Something about the rapturous wonder of icy roads brings out the best in me...I've been a cut-rate, Midwestern, female Paul Lynde lately. If there's any more Holiday Spirit thrown at me, I might put a cigarette out in some lucky person's eye. Speaking of, I quit smoking relatively easy, but I've been wanting a Camel like nothing else lately...something about snow, I guess.

I'm trying to learn the Hebrew alphabet, as each of the major cards in the Tarot (22) represent a letter of the Hebrew alphabet, and each of those stand for some huge, scary concept. By what can only be considered the greatest coincidence of all time, I've come upon recordings of Israel Regardie) lecturing on a whole shipload of related subjects, and he gives the proper pronunciation of the letters and words, which saved my stupid ass from walking around talking about “Chez-ead”, (Hess-ed, guttural CH).

Obligatory dipshit teenage girl comment: Hebrew is unimaginably sexy. Of course the sexiness of languages is completely subjective, and I suppose just this side of trivializing, but...still. I thought Russian was unbeatable, but good lord. Hebrew is so much love.

9:44pm: Things I have learned in 2007:
(a) school is not my friend. Not now, anyway.

(b)Robert Anton Wilson, James Joyce, and Aleister Crowley are in fact the TRUE Trinity.

(c)Jim Beam is INFINITELY better than Southern Comfort and Jack Daniels.